An 83 old mother and her daughter were in conflict over moving the mother from Corvallis to Portland. The mother, who became widowed two years ago started showing signs of MS, which worried her daughter. The mother insisted on staying in her house where she lived with her husband for over 50 years and felt her husband’s spirit in the house. She was also comfortable in the community and enjoyed her daily routine.

Dana, the daughter, understood her mother, but was more concerned as she was witnessing her mother’s declining health. She was still working full time and needed to help her divorced daughter who had a a couple of young children. She struggled to find time to drive down to Corvallis to help her mother.

While I prepared to mediate the case, the mother told me in a private meeting that she could not move in with her daughter as she did not care for her husband. She said that he was critical and reactive to Dana. She did not want to see him often and preferred to remain in her home.

In mediation, both mother and daughter had the opportunity to hear each other out without interruption, as they usually interrupt each other. Each one was asked to summarize what she heard was important to the other. When the mother heard her daughter’s wish to be closer to her because she cared about her, she heard more than a request to move for the daughter’s convenience.

The daughter heard her mother’s painful struggles to let go of the home she loved and shared with her husband for 50 years.

Both decided that it would be best for the mother to stay in her house for another couple of years and they would gauge the progress of her MS. In the meantime, they would hire a woman to visit her three times a week for a few hours to help take care of her and some of the household chores. Dana will come to visit every other Sunday and they will come back to mediation when it’s time to make new decisions. Through mediation, they said they were able to hear each other in a new way and began building a more respectful relationship.