I was a long-time litigator representing the State of Oregon in child welfare cases. My job was hard – factually, legally, and emotionally. At one point, I had to acknowledge that I did not like my job and needed to find something else – something that I could feel privileged to do. I needed to explore what was missing. I did not think that I was helpful to the people and children who most needed help. My job was to force a resolution – not help people come to a resolution. So I left my job without a plan (with special thanks to my wonderful wife) and without knowing what I was missing in my life.

Mediation gives clients the space to talk to each during joint mediation sessions. In my experience, clients can find ways to come to a resolution that works best for the family. I’m reminded of a case I recently co-mediated. A young divorcing couple with children also had a small, not yet profitable, growing business and a home with a large property. They did not have many other assets. The most significant concern between the parents appeared to be ensuring that the children were protected and how to divide the real estate property and the business. My co-mediator and I had several sessions to address the issues. It was clear to us that the wife was hurt and overwhelmed. The husband had put together a spreadsheet offering possible resolutions, but the wife could not accept the proposals. The parents could parent their children together – but they could not discuss how to divide the property.

We had three sessions. The wife had the opportunity to discuss her emotional struggles with her husband directly. y. My co-mediator and I explored their ability to work together especially given that they had children to parent. During the final session, we allowed the wife the time and space to explain to her husband her underlying emotional needs. It was emotional and difficult, but this allowed her to move past her emotions and address the resolution initially offered by the husband – which she accepted without any modifications. Mediation allowed the wife the time to explore the barrier to resolution for her. To his credit, the Husband allowed the wife the space and time to explore the issues (although he disagreed with her conclusions.) Once she received the space and time, and respect that allowed her to share her needs, she was able to accept the offer.

I’m convinced that mediation allows people the opportunity to explore and share their needs, not only their positions. Given the opportunity and space to be heard by the mediators and each other allow couples the opportunity to solve their conflicting issues in a way that preserves their dignity and opens up for cooperation. The opportunity to enable people to be vulnerable and honest with each other is a privilege that I am honored to accept.

Patrick Ward is a Family Mediator and Lawyer based in Portland, Oregon. He is the owner of Clarity Law LLC, www.claritylawllc.com.